Five minutes into the movie, I realized I had made a terrible mistake.
I was watching
The Last Witch Hunter. In theater. Because trailer.
Because the trailer was
fun and full of amazing CGI and a flaming sword and back-bend-sword-dodges and a girl with glowy silver eyes.
The thing about action movies like these, though, is that they're high risk.
And you can't always tell by the rating. This movie just tanked to a 6.4 on IMDB, but Brick Mansions (which is amazing B movie
) currently hovers at a 5.7. With this kind of movie, it could be so gooood...but it's just as likely that all the cool scenes were put in the trailer, and all the stuff you don't see in the trailer didn't make it because it's boring.
Still, I was pretty optimistic as I sat down in the theater.
Just a few minutes into
The Last Witch Hunter, as the voice-over narration began, I knew that I was in for a long hour and a half.
"Man, I'm so sorry," I whispered to the friend I'd convinced to come with me.
She just gave me a look.
Coping games:- Betting on plot. One junior mint that the hobbit betrays Vin Diesel. (well, of course.) Two junior mints that there'll be a hookup. (nope, thank god.) Half a junior mints that the evil creature wasn't destroyed the way everyone thought. (Duh.) Three junior mints that main council is evil and corrupt. (lost that one.)
- Women studies rating. Female characters, check. She does stuff and has a personality? Check. Bechdel test? Lol no. Character development? Yeah, surprisingly. Creepy jokes? At least one. Ratio of guys to girls? Eh. Overall? Not bad for its genre.
- Announcing Romantic Subplots. Announcing "romantic subplot" in a loud whisper in the most inopportune moments. Diesel with his sword? Staring intently at the evil insect he just caught? Glaring at his new handler? Diesel with his car?
- Counting shots. Not the alcoholic sort. How many seconds are they using between shots? How many cameras are they using?
- Make up or make believe? Guessing what's make-up and what's pure computer.
- Physics doesn't work like that. Too easy. I only use this one for the movies that look like they're trying to stick to real life rules.
- Bleeding doesn't work like that. No, really. Claw marks don't leave elegant red lines on the cheek. Blood doesn't flow in shimmering puddles over a shirt. Why is this happening.
The entire thing was a mess. I was so bored. It was a B-movie, but it wasn't funny enough to keep me entertained (like, say,
Hellboy or
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters), it wasn't action-y enough to keep my attention from wandering (
Mad Max, Sorcerer's Apprentice), it wasn't bad enough or self aware enough to be hilarious (
Ghost Rider, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, or
Sharknado), it didn't have at least one character so amazing you'd watch anything (
Constantine) and it wasn't pretty enough to make up for the slow exposition and weak attempts to build character (
Jupiter Ascending).
I say, if you're thinking of going, just rewatch the trailer a couple more times, fill in the plot with your imagination, and you're set until it appears on cable or Netflix.
I usually list the things I liked in the more terrible movies I watch once I'm done with them.
"I liked the popcorn," I finally said. "And the spunky girl with the accent from Game of Thrones. She was good."
"Uh-huh." My friend gave me a pitying look. "Next time I pick the movie."
I thought about it for a few more minutes. "You know what this movie needed?"
"What?"
"Nicholas Cage."